LIBRA HOROSCOPE (from astrology.com): Your head is full of conflicting ideas and opinions early today, which isn’t much fun — but the afternoon brings a new clarity. You may want to get your people to try for consensus one last time.
Laura’s Log:
I was invited into a team meeting on a new campaign this morning. An honor, according to Tamara (who, by the way, is talking to me again, having gotten over my weekend escapade with Katherine—things still unresolved with Nadia). I get it. I’m the lowly new assistant. I should be grateful to be included even if my role was simply to record every brainstormed idea, good, bad or completely off topic.
I just wish my first team meeting involved something more exciting than toilet paper. Things began with an attack on the animated commercials with the bear and quickly went down Memory Lane with Mr. Whipple. YouTube has its purpose in advertising, but it can be just as much of a distracter as Facebook. Under the “off topic” column, I had to note the group’s viewing of Crystal Bowersox’s “People Get Ready” performance on Idol last night. Sure, she’s good, but I had things to take care of at my desk—paper clips to untangle and all.
They sent me to London Drugs to pick up samples of all the leading toilet paper brands, including that of our client. At the checkout, I must have looked like either the world’s oldest high school student getting ready to TP all my friends’ yards or a sad woman with a severe diarrhea problem. Yea, team. Thanks for that.
Back in the meeting room, they sniffed, squeezed and unraveled roll after roll and got into an intense argument about how direct you could be about TP residue on arses in an ad campaign. Shortly after someone said, “Just shave your ass and the problem’s gone” the meeting devolved into a discussion about manscaping before petering out altogether. I was thrilled to return to my desk area—right after I cleaned up the TP, including the mess left from when Cal and Warren decided to mummify Lenny. They give out college degrees to easily these days.
When they decided to reconvene after lunch, I tried my best to get out of attending. Turns out team players can’t defect. They fell into a conversation about symbols of softness: bunnies, cotton balls, Lenny’s belly. That last idea was my cue to jump in. “Guys, the softness thing has been done to death. I’m sorry, dearly departed Mr. Whipple, but nobody squeezes toilet paper in the grocery store. People EXPECT it to be soft. Find something else to make the product stand out.”
Silence. People stared at me. I’d spoken when I wasn’t supposed to. And then Lenny (of all people) said, “Laura’s got a point.” Validation. Sure, Lenny was probably just tired of being the target of sophomoric jokes and pranks, but it was good enough for me.
KEN’S JOURNAL:
5:30 A.M. & I WAS WIDE AWAKE. SHOULD I GO FOR A JOG? YEAH, WEDNESDAYS ARE MY RUNNING GROUP EVENING, BUT I DIDN’T FEEL LIKE PART OF THE GROUP DURING THE LAST SESSION. I LOATHE LOGAN.
I GOT UP, PUT ON SHORTS & A T-SHIRT, STARTED TO STRETCH. BIGGEST STRETCH CAME FROM MY MOUTH. ALL THAT YAWNING AND I DECIDED TO GO BACK TO BED. I’D FACE THE LADIES (AND LOGAN) AFTER ALL.
SURE ENOUGH, HE SHOWED AGAIN. HOW COULD HE NOT AFTER A HAREM FAWNING OVER HIM LAST WEEK? ONE OF THE MELISSAS ACKNOWLEDGED ME WHEN I ARRIVED, EVEN ASKED IF I HAD DECIDED ON THE SUN RUN. TRUTHFULLY, I WASN’T PLANNING ON SIGNING UP BUT SHE ROPED ME INTO PAYING AND BEING PART OF “OUR” TEAM. ANYTHING JUST TO FEEL PART OF THE CONVERSATION.
GOD, THEY PUBLISH YOUR RESULTS IN THE PAPER, DON’T THEY? AH, WHY WORRY? WHO DO I KNOW THAT WLD BOTHER TO LOOK UP MY NAME?
Showing posts with label manscaping. Show all posts
Showing posts with label manscaping. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
SOMETIMES YOU CAN SKIP THE SHAVE
LIBRA HOROSCOPE (from astrology.com): Lie low and let others take the heat today — even if you can’t tell when or where the heat is coming! You just need to make sure that you’ve got your own bases covered, as things shouldn’t take long.
Laura’s Log:
Nadia came over right after work. Things have been spotty in us hanging out lately, but all I had to say was “He dumped me” and she moved heaven and earth—well, she canceled a rendezvous at Subway with Bradley—to console me. Tamara was on business in Kelowna, but she Skyped in.
“Guys having female roommates is just wrong,” Nadia concluded. “He’s in denial. If he can’t see the problem with that, how’s he able to have any perspective on anything in life? Where’d you say he works?”
“Best Buy.”
“Exactly!”
Tamara piped in. “He knows there’s a problem with having a ‘platonic’ woman as a roommate. He’s just looking for someone to walk all over.”
Nadia continued her Gabriel-bashing cheerleading. “Exactly! I’m proud of you Laura. You didn’t cave this time. Hang in there! You’ll find a guy with balls.”
Despite their efforts, I wasn’t feeling any better. “What’s so great about a guy’s balls? They’re ugly, don’t you think? Like elbows. Or knees. Only more hair.”
“You get them to manscape,” Nadia advised. “I make it part of foreplay with Bradley. I shave his balls and he thinks it’s kinky. Snaps the pecker ready for service.”
Too much information. As it was, Bradley repulsed me. I didn’t need to conjure up the image of Bradley’s nicked-up scrotum. At least Nadia was right about my not caving. I’d put my foot down about the icky rooming situation and managed to boot myself at the same time.
Is it worth it to take a stand if it means being alone again? How many more chances did I have with men? Would I ever have another shot at sex that good again?
Nadia stuck around so we could make fun of the glitter costumes and bad dancing on “Dancing with the Stars”. She drooled over Jake. Meh.
The buzzer rang five minutes after she left. I buzzed her back in and looked around for whatever item she’d forgotten. Couldn’t spot it. She tapped on the door and I opened it to find Gabriel. Actually, Gabriel and a dozen roses. “I miss you,” he said. “And I’m sorry.”
We hugged, we kissed and, yes, I caved. Never got around to talking about Chris. Or genital grooming. It just felt good to be with him again.
KEN’S JOURNAL:
ONLY HAD TO SPEND 3 ½ HRS @ CITY HALL YESTERDAY. GOT 4 OUT OF 5 PERMITS. THE 5TH IS GOING TO TAKE MORE WORK. STILL, IT WAS A SUCCESSFUL MISSION. “YOU ROCK, MAN!” MARTY BEAMED. NICE TO HEAR HIM BEING UP AGAIN. I KNOW I’D BEEN GRATING ON HIM LATELY.
SPENT A COUPLE OF HRS THIS MORNING DOING SOME GROUNDWORK ON THE FINAL PERMIT, BUT IT’S BEEN A LOW KEY DAY FOR THE MOST PART. GOTTA SAY I LIKE IT. HAVING A COFFEE @ URBAN FARE @ 11 A.M. ON A WEEKDAY? AWESOME! WHO ARE ALL THESE OTHER PEOPLE? HOW DO THEY AFFORD THEIR CONDOS & WORK SUCH LAX HRS? AM I THE ONLY ONE IN YALETOWN W/O AN EFFIN’ DOG?
EVEN HIT THE GYM THIS AFTERNOON. NOT THE PIDDLY CONDO GYM. A REAL GYM. FITNESS WORLD. OR, AS IT’S NOW KNOWN, STEVE NASH SPORTS CLUB AND FITNESS WORLD. (OTHER THAN THE BIGGER SIGN, I CAN’T SEE A DIFFERENCE.) PUMPED WEIGHTS FOR ALMOST 30 MIN. (NO NEED TO STRAIN A MUSCLE THE 1ST TIME BACK.) SPENT ANOTHER 30 MIN ON THE TREADMILL. THE WOMAN BESIDE ME MUST’VE BEEN GOING TWICE MY SPEED. SHE HAD ARMS & LEGS THAT LOOKED LIKE THEY’D SNAP IN 2 IN A STRONG WIND. THAT’S ONE THING I DON’T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT.
ANOTHER COFFEE ON THE WAY HOME. THIS SELF-EMPLOYMENT THING’S FEELIN’ FINE. TOMORROW I’LL HAVE TO BEGIN BATTLE OVER MY SEVERANCE FROM WORK. THEY’RE TRYING TO SCREW ME OVER MY UNUSED VACATION TIME. EFF THAT.
AH, BUT FOR NOW, I NEED TO ENJOY THE MOMENT. I COULD ALMOST SIT BACK & WATCH “OPRAH”. ALMOST.
Laura’s Log:
Nadia came over right after work. Things have been spotty in us hanging out lately, but all I had to say was “He dumped me” and she moved heaven and earth—well, she canceled a rendezvous at Subway with Bradley—to console me. Tamara was on business in Kelowna, but she Skyped in.
“Guys having female roommates is just wrong,” Nadia concluded. “He’s in denial. If he can’t see the problem with that, how’s he able to have any perspective on anything in life? Where’d you say he works?”
“Best Buy.”
“Exactly!”
Tamara piped in. “He knows there’s a problem with having a ‘platonic’ woman as a roommate. He’s just looking for someone to walk all over.”
Nadia continued her Gabriel-bashing cheerleading. “Exactly! I’m proud of you Laura. You didn’t cave this time. Hang in there! You’ll find a guy with balls.”
Despite their efforts, I wasn’t feeling any better. “What’s so great about a guy’s balls? They’re ugly, don’t you think? Like elbows. Or knees. Only more hair.”
“You get them to manscape,” Nadia advised. “I make it part of foreplay with Bradley. I shave his balls and he thinks it’s kinky. Snaps the pecker ready for service.”
Too much information. As it was, Bradley repulsed me. I didn’t need to conjure up the image of Bradley’s nicked-up scrotum. At least Nadia was right about my not caving. I’d put my foot down about the icky rooming situation and managed to boot myself at the same time.
Is it worth it to take a stand if it means being alone again? How many more chances did I have with men? Would I ever have another shot at sex that good again?
Nadia stuck around so we could make fun of the glitter costumes and bad dancing on “Dancing with the Stars”. She drooled over Jake. Meh.
The buzzer rang five minutes after she left. I buzzed her back in and looked around for whatever item she’d forgotten. Couldn’t spot it. She tapped on the door and I opened it to find Gabriel. Actually, Gabriel and a dozen roses. “I miss you,” he said. “And I’m sorry.”
We hugged, we kissed and, yes, I caved. Never got around to talking about Chris. Or genital grooming. It just felt good to be with him again.
KEN’S JOURNAL:
ONLY HAD TO SPEND 3 ½ HRS @ CITY HALL YESTERDAY. GOT 4 OUT OF 5 PERMITS. THE 5TH IS GOING TO TAKE MORE WORK. STILL, IT WAS A SUCCESSFUL MISSION. “YOU ROCK, MAN!” MARTY BEAMED. NICE TO HEAR HIM BEING UP AGAIN. I KNOW I’D BEEN GRATING ON HIM LATELY.
SPENT A COUPLE OF HRS THIS MORNING DOING SOME GROUNDWORK ON THE FINAL PERMIT, BUT IT’S BEEN A LOW KEY DAY FOR THE MOST PART. GOTTA SAY I LIKE IT. HAVING A COFFEE @ URBAN FARE @ 11 A.M. ON A WEEKDAY? AWESOME! WHO ARE ALL THESE OTHER PEOPLE? HOW DO THEY AFFORD THEIR CONDOS & WORK SUCH LAX HRS? AM I THE ONLY ONE IN YALETOWN W/O AN EFFIN’ DOG?
EVEN HIT THE GYM THIS AFTERNOON. NOT THE PIDDLY CONDO GYM. A REAL GYM. FITNESS WORLD. OR, AS IT’S NOW KNOWN, STEVE NASH SPORTS CLUB AND FITNESS WORLD. (OTHER THAN THE BIGGER SIGN, I CAN’T SEE A DIFFERENCE.) PUMPED WEIGHTS FOR ALMOST 30 MIN. (NO NEED TO STRAIN A MUSCLE THE 1ST TIME BACK.) SPENT ANOTHER 30 MIN ON THE TREADMILL. THE WOMAN BESIDE ME MUST’VE BEEN GOING TWICE MY SPEED. SHE HAD ARMS & LEGS THAT LOOKED LIKE THEY’D SNAP IN 2 IN A STRONG WIND. THAT’S ONE THING I DON’T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT.
ANOTHER COFFEE ON THE WAY HOME. THIS SELF-EMPLOYMENT THING’S FEELIN’ FINE. TOMORROW I’LL HAVE TO BEGIN BATTLE OVER MY SEVERANCE FROM WORK. THEY’RE TRYING TO SCREW ME OVER MY UNUSED VACATION TIME. EFF THAT.
AH, BUT FOR NOW, I NEED TO ENJOY THE MOMENT. I COULD ALMOST SIT BACK & WATCH “OPRAH”. ALMOST.
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