SEXED UP GRANNY

LIBRA HOROSCOPE (from astrology.com): All that energy has to be good for something — and you should think of exactly the right project! You may want to track down an ex, redecorate your home or convince your boss to give you a raise. Anything is possible!

Laura’s Log:
Turned out Millie broke her hip. I stopped by last night, but she was asleep and I didn’t want to wake her. I doubt one sleeps well with massive hip pain. Take the sleep when you can get it. I left my small bouquet with a note. Sadly, there was no other sign of visitors.

I returned after work today with more flowers, a crossword puzzle book and the latest issue of “Hello!” magazine. Figured she might be a Prince William follower. Millie was awake and alert when I arrived. Yesterday’s flowers were joined by an orchid plant. Glad to know she’d had other company.

“Hi, dear,” she said. She flashed her set of tiny, crooked teeth, showing she wasn’t in undue pain. A relief. (Hospitals make me squeamish. I was thrilled she had a private room. Last thing I wanted to fixate on was someone’s IV bag.)

“How are you?” I asked as I made room for the latest gifts on her bedside table.

“Well, I’m afraid they’re going to have to call someone up to take my place for the rest of the playoffs. Between you and me, I think the Sedins will do just fine without me.” A sense of humor is always a good sign. “By the way,” she added, “you just missed your friend.”

“My friend?”

“Why, Ken! The nice gentleman with the cocoa.”

“Oh, we’re not really friends. We barely—”

“Now just because I’m an old lady doesn’t mean I’m a prude. You can talk about sex with me, honey.” More humor, I hoped.

“Really, Millie, we don’t—”

“He’s smitten with you. He didn’t come right out and say it, but I know these things. I set my best friend up Gladys with her future husband. He turned out to be a schmuck, but it was love for awhile. That’s something.”

“Nice.”

“He says he doesn’t think you’re going to call him. Now why in heavens not, honey? Are you in a relationship?”

I couldn’t lie to an old lady. I shook my head.

“Then, for heaven’s sake, call the man. He’s got a little extra padding, but honey they all do eventually. I always say it’s just more to love. And he’s such a sweet man. Now I don’t want you making visits to see me if it means you’re neglecting your sex life. If you come see me again—and I really hope you do, dear—you’d better have good news on the sex front.”

Gramma Millie had an inclination for saying sex a lot. Perhaps she could find a horny older gentleman in the wing and talk the doc into a Viagra prescription. Anything to shift the attention away from me.

KEN’S JOURNAL:
NO CALL FROM LAURA. JUST AS I EXPECTED. (SO WHY DOES IT STING?) I STOPPED BY VGH WITH A PLANT FOR MILLIE, THE LADY WHO TOOK A FALL YESTERDAY. I WANTED TO SEE SHE WAS OKAY, BUT—HERE’S WHERE I SHOW HOW PATHETIC I AM—I WAS ALSO HOPING I’D RUN INTO LAURA AGAIN. SEEMS WE DO THAT A LOT.

NOT THIS TIME. I LINGERED AS MILLIE WENT ON AND ON ABOUT A NEIGHBOR ABOVE HER (AT HOME, NOT THE HOSPITAL) WHO ALWAYS HAD LOUD SEX. MILLIE DIDN’T RAISE IT AS A COMPLAINT. I GOT THE SENSE SHE LIKED TO TALK A LITTLE SMUT. JUST WISH IT WASN’T IN MY COMPANY. I LIKE TO THINK OF LITTLE OLD LADIES MAKING TEA AND KNITTING BOOTIES FOR FREEZING ORPHANS IN THE ARCTIC.

I SHOULD’VE BEEN CONTENT TO HEAR ABOUT THE NEIGHBOR BECAUSE, AFTER THAT STORY RAN ITS COURSE, SHE GRILLED ME. “SO, KEN, ARE YOU A LOUD ONE?”

“HUH?” SHE WASN’T ASKING WHAT I THOUGHT SHE WAS ASKING. WAS SHE?

“DO YOU SCREAM AND YELL DIRTY THINGS WHEN YOU’RE GOING AT IT IN BED?” SHE WAS.

“UH, WELL,…I GENERALLY SLEEP ALONE.”

SEEMS I DISAPPOINTED HER. I WONDERED IF SHE COULD PAY TO WATCH PORN AT THE HOSPITAL. (BUT THEN SHE MIGHT GET ANOTHER INJURY.) SHE STARED AT ME, MAKING ME UNCOMFORTABLE. “I THINK YOU SHOULD HAVE SEX WITH LAURA. SHE LEFT ME THE LOVELIEST NOTE, YOU KNOW.”

“UH, MILLIE, THAT DOESN’T EXACTLY LAY THE GROUNDWORK FOR LAURA AND ME GETTING INVOLVED.”

ANOTHER LONG STARE. THEN A SMILE. “YOU’VE TAKEN A SHINE TO HER, HAVEN’T YOU? NOW LET ME GIVE YOU SOME ADVICE…”

ON AND ON SHE RAMBLED. THIS TIME, I LISTENED. HEY, YOU NEVER KNOW.