LIBRA HOROSCOPE (from astrology.com): Your sense of balance may be sending off warning signals today, so do what you can to reclaim your equilibrium. It may take some serious acceleration in some under-appreciated part of your life.
I showed up at 7:30 at my parents’ house for Easter “brunch”.
“You’re early!” Mom cooed. “The early bird gets to hide the eggs! And then you can give me a hand with the kugel. I found the recipe online and I’m not—”
“Yes, kugel. Carla’s Jewish and I’m making it for Passover.”
“How thoughtful of you.”
“Thoughtful?! I was forced into it. Lucy announced she wasn’t coming for Easter unless Carla’s Jewish background was recognized. I asked Lucy when Carla last went to temple and Lucy hung up on me. We went through three rounds of me calling and her hanging up. What’s with my daughters? Why do they always hang up on their mother? I thought I’d raised you all better than that. Gertie Rushman says her children have never hung up on her. Not once! In fact, they—”
I walked out. The equivalent to hanging up in person. Sure, it would have been polite to tell Mom I was going to check on Dad and inspect the garage, but I might have had to wait a half hour before she came up for air.
Where were the TV cameras? The garage had been transformed from cluttered fire hazard to a cleared, organized area with space to actually walk around. It was a more striking change than any big reveal I’d seen those packrat shows. Dad was sweeping the floor when I walked in. To think there was space to sweep!
“Dad! It’s amazing!”
“I’ll never find half my stuff again,” he groused. I started tossing everything into tubs so you wouldn’t go rummaging through my stuff. Might as well have buried it all. All the bins the same color. How’s that gonna help me?”
He was worked up aplenty. Most he’d said in one mouthful in years. “That’s why you’re supposed to label things, Dad.”
“Well, I didn’t. It’s not natural. I like my piles.”
I walked over and hugged the sourpuss as he attempted to pull away. “You have so much more space. You’ll love it.”
He grumbled, “Loved it the way it was.” Then he mumbled some more of that French I have to keep pardoning him for.
From behind, I pushed him toward the door. “C’mon. You have to help me hide the Easter eggs for Gretel and Sven. And then you’re going to say you need my help in the garage again. Otherwise, I’ll be stuck making kugel.”
“Serves you right.”
THE GOOD THING ABOUT LAST MINUTE SHOPPING FOR EASTER CHOCOLATE IS IT’S HALF PRICE. THE BAD THING IS ALL THE BUNNIES ARE GONE. HAD TO GET A CHOCOLATE CHICKEN FOR ETHAN, A WHITE CHOCOLATE FROG FOR BELLA, A CHOCOLATE FOOTBALL FOR RUDY AND A CHOCOLATE HEART FOR TRAVIS—NO MORE FOOTBALLS IN STOCK. TRAVIS WILL BE MORTIFIED GETTING A HEART FROM HIS UNCLE, BUT HE’S LUCKY HE’S GETTING ANYTHING. WHEN I WAS GROWING UP, MY PARENTS STOPPED ALL THE EASTER CANDY WHEN I TURNED 8. I CAN STILL HEAR MOM: “YOU’RE A BIG BOY NOW. BIG BOYS DON’T GET CHOCOLATE FOR NOTHIN’.”
DROPPED OFF THE CANDY & MADE A QUICK EXIT. DIDN’T WANT TO GO ANOTHER ROUND W/JERRY THINKING I WAS VYING FOR THE USUALLY OPEN POSITION OF DADDY. BESIDES, IF I STAYED I FIGURED I’D BE SAMPLING EVERYONE’S CHOCOLATE (& SARA WAS MAKING A CHOCOLATE FONDUE TO BOOT!). I’VE NOW LOST 9 LBS SINCE I STARTED TRYING & I’M GETTING MORE SERIOUS. (JUST B/C I DIDN’T HIT MY GOAL OF 20 LBS BY THE END OF MARCH DOESN’T MEAN I’M GIVIN’ UP. EFF NO! I GOT MY 1ST “HAVE YOU LOST WEIGHT?” RECOGNITION YESTERDAY WHEN I RAN INTO DEEDEE THE FLORIST. FOR A MOMENT, IT ALMOST LOOKED LIKE SHE REGRETTED NOT DATING ME ANYMORE. GOD, I NEEDED THAT AFTER GETTING THE BRUSHOFF FROM CARLA’S GIRLFRIEND’S SISTER. JUST WAIT! PEOPLE’LL BE THINKING I’M KATE MOSS’ BROTHER IN ANOTHER MONTH!
WENT TO THE GYM, HIT THE STAIRMASTER & THEN SOME GUY ON THE MACHINE BESIDE ME SUGGESTED I TRY THE “AMAZING ABS” CLASS. OK, DESPITE THE KATE MOSS COMMENT, I’M 40 LBS AWAY FROM A 6-PACK, BUT WHAT THE HELL. I GAVE IT A SHOT. THE 1ST 5 MINUTES WERE A BREEZE. THE LAST 25 KILLED. HELLO?! STRETCHER, PLEASE! STAT!
I’M SPENDING THE REST OF THE DAY BEING REAL COMPACT W/MY MOVEMENTS. THE SLIGHTEST STRETCH MAKES MY GUT CRAMP UP. THE ONLY 6-PACK I CAN SEE IS THE 1 I’M RAIDING IN THE FRIDGE. 1 STEP FORWARD, 2 BACK. AFTER WHAT I WENT THRU, I NEED THE COLD COMFORT.