TAMING THE BEAST

LIBRA HOROSCOPE (from astrology.com): See if you can get your people to move toward something totally new today — you never know what might come of it! Your great social and mental energies are in perfect sync, so go for it!

Laura’s Log:
Anyone wondering where the lions are? I’ve just completed an extensive rundown of all the wildlife game farms, exotic animal rescues and zoos in Canada. We’ve got a lot of grand beasts who are a long, long way from home. Educational? I suppose. Mostly, it leaves me feeling kinda sad.

My brain is mush. If anyone wants to have a conversation about everything Anne on PEI, I’m good. Where’s the nearest roller coaster for folks in Medicine Hat? Just give me a sec. I could plan one extraordinary cross-country summer adventure for my kids! And that’s the problem…I DON’T HAVE KIDS! Oh, believe me, I dreamt I did. A whole elementary school of kids that I’d adopted or something. They kept climbing out the bus windows and onto the roof as our caravan set off for that Canadian Must-See: West Edmonton Mall. (I seem to recall a few kids flying off the roof and becoming roadkill, but isn’t that just a compelling argument for school buses getting seat belts?)

So, in a nutshell, it seems Derrick’s demented research assignment is getting the best of my mind. I stayed until 7:30 last night (“American Idol” called) and resumed at 6:45 this morning—yes, I’ve earned this work break!—and, while I’ve got so much more to do, I’m starting to think I’ll meet his insane deadline tomorrow.

Of course, that gets me to thinking, What’s next? Can he find a way to require that I stay outside in the rain for 48 hours, preferably standing in the middle of the Capilano River? Will he force feed me three plates of spicy enchiladas so I can offer a personal account of the wonders of various diarrhea products on the market? Too demented, you say? My brain may be fried, but one thing is clear: nothing is too sadistic for a spurned office ASSHOLE. Sometimes the bad date never ends.

Break is over. Not sure that it helped.

KEN’S JOURNAL:
JERRY GOT OUT OF TOWN JUST IN TIME. IN TORONTO THIS TIME. SARA GOT A CALL FROM SCHOOL RIGHT AFTER LUNCH YESTERDAY. TRAVIS WAS HIGH IN MATH CLASS. A BAG OF POT & SOME PILLS WERE FOUND IN HIS BACKPACK. SUSPENDED 3 DAYS. POLICE REPORT FILED. WHEN I GOT OVER TO THE HOUSE, SARA WAS STILL HYPERVENTILATING. I FORCED HER TO LIE DOWN WHILE I GOT HER SOME TEA. THEN SHE STARTED SOBBING UNCONTROLLABLY. AFTER 20 MIN, SHE WAS STILL AT IT. SCARED ME. MY ROCK HAD MELTED INTO A GLOB OF OOZY LAVA.

I PUSHED MY WAY INTO TRAVIS’ ROOM. “GET OUT!” HE ORDERED. WRONG MOVE. YOU DON’T MESS W/MY SISTER & THEN THINK THAT, AT 13, YOU’VE EARNED THE RIGHT TO PRIVACY, RESPECT, TRUST.

“PACK UP SOME CLOTHES. YOU’RE W/ME TONITE…AND TOMORROW.”

“WHAT THE FUCK?!”

“HEY, CUT THE SHIT! WHEN YOU’RE ANCIENT LIKE ME, YOU CAN SWEAR ALL YOU WANT. BUT NOT NOW. ESPECIALLY NOT NOW!”

HE GLARED AT ME, FOLDED HIS ARMS & DIDN’T MOVE FROM HIS BED. I PULLED OPEN SOME DRAWERS & STARTED PICKING OUT HIS CLOTHES. THAT GOT HIM UP FAST. UNCLE KEN MAKING FASHION CHOICES? NOT GONNA HAPPEN. I FOUND A DUFFEL BAG IN THE CLOSET & TOSSED IT ON THE BED. “PACK ENUF FOR 2 NITES. NOT SURE HOW LONG YOU’RE W/ME.” HE GLARED AGAIN & OPENED HIS MOUTH TO SPEAK. WHATEVER LOOK I HAD ON MY FACE MADE HIM THINK BETTER OF IT. “DO ME A FAVOR,” I SAID. “DON’T MAKE ME TALK TO YOU A WHOLE LOT RIGHT NOW. I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF PATIENCE OR WARM, FUZZY THOUGHTS RIGHT NOW.”

“FINE!” HE MUTTERED. BUT BEHIND THAT FRONT OF TEEN ANNOYANCE, I COULD TELL HE WAS HURT. UNCLE KEN DIDN’T GET MAD. UNCLE KEN ALWAYS TRIED HARD TO BOND. UNCLE KEN WAS SUPPOSED TO BE JUST ANOTHER KICKING POST.

NOT NOW. I’D SEEN “AN OFFICER & A GENTLEMAN” ENUF TIMES—CLARA’S FAVORITE—& I COULD BE SERGEANT FOLEY IF I HAD TO. NOBODY BREAKS MY SIS & GETS AWAY W/IT.