LIBRA HOROSCOPE (from astrology.com): It’s really easy to go too far today — you’re having way too much fun to notice when you’re starting to overindulge! Try to keep an eye on yourself or get a friend to do it for you.
After yesterday’s early coffee with Tamara and the past two nights of sex with Gabriel going a few extra rounds, I remained motionless when the clock radio blared this morning. Not even a stinky tongue bath facial from Tupper could get me to move. Finally, after thirty minutes of listening to local and world news on CBC radio, I sat up with a start. It took my neighbor banging on the wall yelling “Turn that fuckin’ radio off” to get me up and moving. As I fumbled around getting ready for work, it occurred to me that the radio was no louder—in fact, quieter—than my sex play with Gabriel. And Mr. Meadows hadn’t bashed my wall over that. It disgusted me to realize the single, always sweaty sixty-year-old was probably getting off to Gabriel and me getting off. I always figured he was the type addicted to Internet porn. Why did he have to taint that simple, relatively wholesome thought?
Had to start the day with another venti…and this time I drank it all. At the funeral home, I added a couple of extra scoops before running the coffeemaker. Although there had been a few people coming and going over the course of the morning, most of the three pots of coffee went to trying to keep me alert. Every time I needed a pee break—which seemed to come in five-minute intervals—the damn phone rang. I think Kearney Funeral Home got a few more dead bodies sent their way after my urine emergency was mistaken for curtness and/or indifference.
By noon, I could not function. Not from fatigue but due to the fact my hands shook wildly from too much caffeine. As much as I love my coffee, when I cross the line it’s dangerous. Theodore stepped out of his office to tell me something or request a document or flash me his privates. Really, I couldn’t tell you. I was lying on the floor behind my desk, phone off the hook and dangling over my head. The ceiling was moving swiftly and I couldn’t process anything.
Unfortunately, he decided to call my mother, whom I’d listed as my emergency contact with the temp agency and she had to cancel three manicure appointments at the salon to come get me. She drove around East Vancouver with me hanging my head out the window like a Golden Retriever (only not nearly so cute). Things started to become clearer—at least to the extent that it dawned on me I was making a fooling out of myself for impersonating a dog. I pulled myself back in the car, looked at Mom, who was silently seething and I said, “I’m better now. Take me back to work.”
“He asked that you not come back.”
Suddenly, I was wide awake and the shakes had vanished. I stared straight ahead as Mom turned the car around so I could retrieve my car from my former place of temporary employment. I’d had a severe caffeine reaction but I’d recovered.
What happened to three strikes?
KEN’S JOURNAL (via BlackBerry):
THE BOSS WAS ECSTATIC AFTER LANDING A MAJOR DEVELOPMENT DEAL IN CHILLIWACK. I’D ONLY BEEN PERIPHERALLY INVOLVED BUT HE INSISTED I JOIN HIM, RAJ, JASELLYNE & TROY @ HIS FAVE LUNCH SPOT, THE WATER ST. CAFÉ. I WASN’T KEEN ON WATCHING HIM GNAW ON THE RIBS FOR A 2ND CONSECUTIVE FRIDAY, BUT AS WE WERE SEATED, IT BECAME OBVIOUS NO ONE ELSE WANTED TO WITNESS THE EXPERIENCE CLOSE UP. EVERYONE SCRAMBLED TO GRAB ANY SEAT OTHER THAN THE ONE DIRECTLY ACROSS FROM HIM. JASELLYNE ACTUALLY ELBOWED ME. YEP, I WOUND UP W/THE SEAT OF HORROR.
NO WAY WAS I GOING TO TAKE IN THE WHOLE DISGUSTING EXPERIENCE, COMPLETE W/INTENSE TOOTH PICKING, JUICY BITS FLYING AND A FEW FAR-TRAVELING AROMATIC BELCHES, W/O HAVING A DRINK TO CALM ME. FOR SOME REASON, THE KITCHEN WAS BACKED UP AND I WAS ON MY 4TH RUM & COKE B/F THE MEALS CAME. 2 MORE OVER LUNCH & I WAS FEELING GOOD.
THE BOSS CHOSE TO TAKE THE LUNCH OUTING AS THE TIME TO INFORM TROY HE WAS OFF THE ACCOUNT & TO SAY I WAS GOING TO HEAD UP THE PROJECT. YES, I’D BE SPENDING @ LEAST 4 DAYS A WK FOR THE NEXT YEAR & A HALF LIVING IN A MOTEL IN CHILLIWACK. HA! THE BOSS HAD NO IDEA I WAS PLANNING TO WALK FROM THE COMPANY BY MID-MAY @ THE LATEST.
NO WAY I’M GOING TO ROT IN CHILLIWACK. NOT WHEN I’M LEAVING TO START MY OWN REAL ESTATE BUSINESS.
THE ONLY PROBLEM W/THE PREVIOUS SENTENCE WAS THAT IT ACTUALLY WENT LIKE THIS:
“NO WAY I’M GOING TO ROT IN CHILLIWACK. NOT WHEN I’M LEAVING TO START MY OWN
REAL ESTATE BUSINESS.”
YEP, I SAID IT. MEANT TO ONLY THINK IT. IT’S THE RUM’S FAULT. WELL, REALLY THE RIBS’ FAULT.
GOOD NEWS: TROY GOT BACK ON THE PROJECT. BAD NEWS: I GOT CANNED. BARRED FROM THE OFFICE IMMEDIATELY.
AS EVERYONE ELSE LEFT THE RESTAURANT, I HAD TO SIT & WAIT FOR A CAB TO TAKE ME HOME. MY VEHICLE WLD HAVE TO WAIT IN THE COMPANY LOT UNTIL TOMORROW. WLDN’T BE SURPRISED IF THE BOSS KEYED IT.